I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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