He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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