New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I supernannyed him into submission
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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