I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
