i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
