forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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