what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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