I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
