first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
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Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
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I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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