yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
