you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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