do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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