I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
