They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
