I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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