Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
im six kinds of drunk right now
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Of course I have a pirate flag
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
