i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
