Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
