I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
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i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
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We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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