you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
