So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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