I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
