So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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