I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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