Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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