u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
