if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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