i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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