I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
