I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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