he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
This is my gift to your gina
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
