They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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