I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
