peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
she told me i tasted like america
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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