just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
