I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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