Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
