I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
