and she was petting her beer can
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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