This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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