Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
COCAINE IS GR8
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
