I hate your face
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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