Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
