At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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