sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
