you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
