how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
