all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
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how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
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I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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