i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
