It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
