hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
