I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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