I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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