It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
