Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
